tomorrow is now today.

tomorrow is now today.
and today quickly became yesterday.

i suppose thats what happens when you look at the clock for the first time in as long as you can remember. its currently 3:04 am CST. i also suppose the CST doesn’t make a bit of difference. but then again, maybe there are parts of the world that are still the proper yesterdays and tomorrows. so that fact makes tomorrow today and today a yesterday. who the hell knows what day it is anyways and does it even really matter?!

i can’t sleep. mostly because i can’t slow my mind down long enough to close my eyes. but also in part to the fact that i am plagued by near constant nightmares when i actually do get to the part about closing eyes. this post isn’t going to be profound or highly spiritual. just the ramblings of a very tired girl. quite tired in more ways than one. but the way things look right now, only one really matters. i really need sleep. i really want sleep.

i feel like i am walking around in a haze lately. clouded. fuzzy. walking in a fog. all the street signs look the same. i seem to pass the same mile marker multiple times but don’t realize it until about the 12th pass. its exhausting. and its frustrating. everything sounds the same. nothing sounds good. and all i want is a freakin nap. is that too much to ask for. and you know, maybe if i had a nap, all this wouldn’t seem so damn confusing.

well. i better try to sleep before today becomes tomorrow.

psalm 22. my own words.

psalm 22.
my own words.
my own story.

God, why have you left me alone?
Why do you seem so far from helping me?
You have left me here in pain and I’m crying.
Why don’t you hear me?
I cry out to you to save me. But you say nothing.
I ask my questions, and I get no response.
I stay awake all night crying to you; I get no rest.

In my head I know that you are still holy.
Your people still praise you.
People before me trusted in you.
And you showed up for them.
You saved them when they cried to you.

But here I am. Reduced to nothing.
I don’t even feel like a real person anymore.
Less than that. A worm. To be trampled on.
“Where is your God now? See, he can’t even save you from me!
Some God he is! Let him stop me if he can!”
Thats what’s been said to me.
I’ve been mocked. And rejected.
Over and over again.

From the very beginning it seems like you have made me trust in you.
You were all I had to trust in. Nothing else.
So, please, don’t be far off!!
This is real. And its hard. And I can’t do it without you.
Nothing and no one else can help. Only you can.

I am surrounded again by trouble.
It comes at me from all sides.
Surely, it will destroy me.
I don’t have anything left in me.
My heart is weak and my body weaker.
It feels like I am about to fall apart.

Just when it eases up a bit, something else comes along.
Everything I have is gone. Taken away. Stripped from me.

God, please, please come near to me.
Come quick to help me, please.
Save me from all these things that want to destroy me.
You have saved me before, won’t you save me from this also?
If you don’t do something, I will crumble under this.
If you don’t act, I will most assuredly die.

Somehow, I will still tell people about you.
I will still talk to my brothers and sisters about you.
About your goodness. And in that, I will praise you.
I will call others to join in on the worship too.
Encouraging them to worship you.
Because you haven’t really been far from us.
You have seen all that has happened.
Even though it felt like it, you haven’t been hiding.
You have heard when I cried. You actually listened.
You heard me. You still hear me.

Even this praise that I will give you comes from you.
I couldn’t praise you on my own.
Those who have been hurting will be satisfied by you.
Those who have been looking for you, will find you. And they will praise you.

You are in charge of everything.
You get the last word in everything.
Everyone will come and worship you.
The ones who “have it all together”
But, especially those who wouldn’t be here without your help.
All this will be told to my kids.
The times that you were proven to be faithful,
and near,
and listening,
and saving.
All those times will be told to my kids. My grandkids.
Then they will remember and tell others you are holy and righteous.
They will tell others what you have done.
How you have saved. And still save.