who knew…?

who knew that in a single moment everything could change?

who knew that one phone call can blow your world apart?

who knew 6 months ago that this is where i would be sitting?

who knew that everything, everything, could change…?

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my great champion.

i am confident of few things.
i don’t walk confidently.
i don’t walk with assurance.
i don’t walk with courage and hope and security and faith like i should.

and that’s ok.

not ok because it’s is ok to walk without those things, but ok because it’s not up to me to muster them. i would be a damned fool to walk in the arrogance and confidence of myself. i would be the most of all people to be pitied if i walked in the pride of what i can or cannot do instead of the confidence and security that rests in Christ. i would be a fool. and i think that the bible would even call me “stupid.”

this week has been a rough one. ok, lets just be honest, the past couple weeks have been rough. something to the likes of a perfect storm. and, just like a fool, i have let the wind howl, the waves crash, and cursed the ship as it sank. all the while, watching and letting it sink. there is war in my heart and in my head but far too often i don’t let that war rage on the outside until it completely consumes and attempts to destroy me. i curse the war. i curse the storm. i curse the wind and the waves and yet i don’t move. i don’t pick up the sword or harness the sails. i sit. and i watch. and i am left here in this place again.

the ship has been dashed on the rocks. the war rages on. and i have a choice.

curse the wind. curse the waves. curse the battle. sit down and wallow in my lack.
-or-
i could trust my sails to the one who controls the seas. i can stand confidently next to the one who fights for me. fights with me. i can trust that He is the great warrior. He is my great champion.

so i am asking for His help. i can’t make myself trust Him. i can’t walk confidently in Him. i can’t assure myself. i can’t make myself rest in Him and what He has done. He has to do that. and He does. He desires to. and i would be a fool to not take Him up on it. and i would be even more of a fool to walk in confidence of myself.

the cross is sufficient. He is sufficient. i cannot do anything to earn or lose His love and affection.
help me, Jesus, be confident of these things.

the cross is my defense.

When my heart condemns me
tells me I am guilty
Your greater
Your greater

Jesus you have searched me,
and even in your finding
You have loved
and You love me

This is who I am
I’ve been born again
the Cross is my defense, my hope secured
now my life is in Your Hand
on Your every word I stand
Lord I’m finding who I am in all you are

For He mad Him who knew no sin
to be sin
on our behalf was crucified
oh that we could be the righteousness
of our creator