limits

healing is slower than you imagined
harder than they explained
frustrating as hell

this
is not difficult
and yet
it is too much

healing is rarely painless
accompanied by pounding fists
shouting in the dark

this
is not difficult
and yet
it is too much

healing is admitting weakness
asking for previously unnecessary help
realizing limits

this
is not difficult
and yet
it is too much

and right now, that is okay

rest
take a break
don’t push yourself
knowing your limits is good
healthy
right
and wise

so for now
this is not difficult
but it is too much
and it’s all okay

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He Never Runs Out

(photo by Jennifer Upton)

(photo by Jennifer Upton)

It’s a funny thing to be sitting in the silence of your room at the end of the day and noticing how a million little threads weave perfectly together to form a whole. You don’t notice the threads as they are happening, you just look back and see how they all seem to fit together just so. This day, in this silence, is no different.

~ ~ ~

A song was sent through a text, a suggestion made to a friend. “Listen to this one. I have something to say about it” might has well have been the text to accompany the link. It wasn’t this time. But it was unspoken. And she knew that.

“Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me”

I want to explain to her what I hear in these words, to convey the feeling and promise and hope I hear each time those words echo around me. To many ears, the words “your love never runs out on me” promise an unending, never failing, never running dry love. While that is true, that is not what my heart latches onto.

~ ~ ~

“They are just going to cool off” she would say. Or he. Depending on who had done the offending this time around. It was usually the same routine each time. The big wooden front door slamming. Almost immediately followed by our old farm house screen door clattering behind it. I remember hearing the car start and the gravel driveway crying underneath the angry wheels of the white Mazda that just carted our family of four to and from Sunday morning services.

It happened this way over and over again. Always leaving me wondering if the leaver would one day just not come back. Historically, the “cooling off” period lasted about an hour. Never more than an afternoon. Until the day when the cooling off took two days…and then a week…and before I even knew what happened, it had been four months.

~ ~ ~

“For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.”

Psalm 28:10

Apparently, we all come from a long line of leavers. We come from a line of broken people who run out slamming front doors searching for a place to “cool off.” We are hardwired for the leaving, for the running. But He is not. His love never fails. His love never gives up. And His love never runs out. Nothing He has ever done in my life up til now has ever given me reason to believe that He needs a moment to “cool off” – He never runs out. He never shakes His head in confusion or frustration with me. He is never wringing His hands trying to figure out where things went wrong or what could have been done differently. He simply stands. Constant and sure.

There are some days where I throw things in His general direction, and He remains. Assuring me that no amount of swears or flying objects will cause Him to waver in His great love for me.

He is faithful.
Even when I am not, He remains.
He never runs out.

Because He cannot deny Himself.

(photo by Jennifer Upton)

(photo by Jennifer Upton)