social awkwardness.

i find compassion in my heart.

there is a woman sitting approximately 8 feet away from me right now. it is painfully obvious that she is homeless and most likely suffering from some sort of mental illness. she is talking to herself. not about anything in particular and probably nothing too terribly important. she asked another woman for a ride to a church. she asked still another for the time.

she has yet to ask me anything.

part of me is thankful for that. and part of me wishes she would. not that i would know what to do in that moment. i usually stumble over all my words anyway. but maybe, just maybe, if she would have asked me the time i could have loved her. even for that one moment. maybe i could have listened to one of the thousands of stories she probably has to tell. maybe i could have given her a ride if she had asked. in fact, i probably would have. is that even safe? or wise? i dont know. my dad would say most definitely not. “not everyone is your friend!” he would say. and i agree. they arent. but does this woman have any friends? does she have a family? she has to have a mom and dad. or she did at one point.

i find my heart breaking for her. and i also find that most of society would label her as an outsider. as unclean. as “the least of these”. and the more i think about it, i am not that different than her. i once was homeless. i once was fatherless. i was desperately sick and need of healing. in fact, outside the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ, i AM her. and just like me, she is loved by the creator of the universe. she is deeply loved by the God who created the mind that is betraying her. she is cherished by the King. so my prayer is that she would see it. that He would open her eyes to the greatness that He is. who knows…i may meet her again and rejoice alongside her and praise our great God. and it wont be awkward.

so here’s to awkwardness. may it push us to the feet of the King. may it cause us to live boldly and unashamedly. may it show us that we arent that different from each other after all.

waging war.

It haunts me so
This gloomy weight
That comes and goes
Without a trace
A thousand times my flesh embrace
A thousand more but if for grace

To see the Lord, the promise land
Wherein all sin’s pearly gates look bland
And what was once a pearl, now sand
That blows away in light of Him

When battle lines become unclear
And the waging war is all I hear
Sustain me with Your voice
And the choice to walk in truth
And by the Spirit

That I might see this day
This waging war might go away
And be no more
That I might see His face
And hear Him say
Son, welcome home
The war is over

belong.

wow. so it has been since may the third that you have been without my wonderful writing skills. dont fear my friends, i am back.

so much has been happening since i last wrote. i have moved out of my apartment. damaris is no longer my roommate and sawyer is no longer my cat. and 16204 is no longer the door number i call home. dont get me wrong, there are moments i wish all those things were still constant in my life. and i miss damaris and sawyer immensely. i miss damaris more, of course. we lived together for 3 years. and for most of those three years we shared a room. a lot happens between two girls in that amount of time. i miss her.

i have moved in with a family. and not just any family…feels like MY family. maybe like its where i belong. where i fit. tonight we went to dinner and celebration station. walking in to dinner i turned to Brett (the dad) and said something about how i dont really fit with this crew. the kiddos – Dean(8), Robbie(6), and Addie(2) – all have blonde hair. Brett and Leigh(parentals) also have light hair. well, compared to me at least. so, in my eyes; in other peoples eyes…i dont fit.

but…i do. i fit here. i belong here. i am wanted here. i am treasured here. i am listened to here. i am safe here. i am enjoyed here…

i.
am.
loved.
here.

(more updates soon, i promise.)

((p.s. i knocked the crap out of some softballs and raced a bunch of teenagers on the go carts. me and dean make a good team.))