what should i do next summer? can he really provide almost 5,000 dollars?

it makes me sick to think about going, but it makes me sick to think about not going…


“growing up in a small conservative church in the South, you hear more about morality than you do about Christ. if you are immoral; if you dance, drink, or cuss, you are made to feel that God no longer liked you. and if you are moral, you are made not to feel one with Christ, but right and good and better than other people. these things are not stated directly, but the enviroment leaves me with this impression. christian spirituality, then, hinges on whether or not a person behaves. what good does it do to tell someone to be moral if fifty years later they can die and, apparently, go to hell?”

dear you,
life is crazy. school is is about to get started and i already feel like i am running 900mph around this little town and getting absolutely nowhere. have you ever confused a dream with life? have you ever thought your train moving while sitting still? i feel like my life counts for nothing. and thats not what i want. i want things to be changed when i am gone. just like every other person in the world, i want my life to mean something, to leave my mark on this world.

my heart is burdened with the people of this world, and probably now more than ever have actually sat around and thought about people really really really going to hell. i know its something that people always talk about but i mean, have you just sat down and thought about your friends that dont know Jesus spending eternity in hell? we have become so tolerant and so accepting of other religions, not wanting to offend anyone. i am not say we should not accept them or be mean to them, but its not fair to believe the lie that all religions are equal and everyone will get to God maybe just a different way. i beg to differ. Jesus Christ is the way. not muhammed. not allah. not buddha. no one on earth will be saved but by the name of Jesus Christ. thats it. thats the plain and simple truth. the words “absolute truth” have come up a lot in my mind lately, and for so long i have wanted something, anything, to be absolute. something certain, and thats just it, i found it. there is a God. He has made Himself known to us. He is not hiding. nor is He absent. we have access to Him. He is not just truth for us, He is true for ALL people, in all places, and at all times. He is absolute. and He is true. He is my absolute truth. and He is yours. you just might not know it yet.

thats all.

for the sake of my friend…

in talking with a friend tonight, i have learned again what all this ‘christianity’ is all about. its amazing the things -the simple things- that make us realize what its about, who its about and the fact that its not, never has been and never will be…about us. bonny -who lives in Germany, and who i just love talking with- was asking me about my job, i try to explain to him that i work at a christian bookstore…he is floored. “thats your JOB?” he asks. and you know, i understand that someone has got to sell bibles and books and stupid veggie tale movies, but is that all i have let it become…my job? our conversation continues and this is the first time anything remotely ‘spiritual’ has come up so i am totally letting him direct the conversation…i cant explain the conversation so i will just post it here for you to read.

Bonny says: did you go often to church ?
Alison says: sometimes. do you?
Bonny says:i am roman catholik
Alison says:do you go to church?
Bonny says:
in germany we have to pay taxes fer church
Alison says:yes i know.
Bonny says:i am out of church, i never pay taxes. but i believe in God
Alison says:church isnt all about money
Bonny says:i believe in God

Bonny says:and Jesus
Alison says:who was Jesus?
Bonny says:Jesus, the son of god
Alison says:yes.
Bonny says:he prayed love
Bonny says:freedom
Bonny says:peace
Alison says:freedom for who?
Bonny says:
alot of stuff, what people today never knew
Bonny says:fer all
Bonny says:Jesus died fer us
Alison says:rose from the dead.
Alison says:
why did he have to die?
Bonny says:
because Judas was a traiter
Bonny says:no
Alison says:because we are traitors
Bonny says:the other religions and priests in that time, fer them , JESUS was dangerous
Bonny says:he prayed differnt to them
Bonny says:
that was the reason
Bonny says:Judas Echariot was just human and take the 30 buck to traiter Jesus
Alison says:sometimes, most times people mess things up. so does the church
Alison says:the church doesnt have everything figured out right. the church isnt perfect.

Bonny says:crazy
Alison says:i know. its confusing sometimes…
Bonny says:you ask me if i go often to church…nope. because…
Alison says:thats ok
Bonny says:to pray to god

Bonny says:i don`t need a “”” temple “”
Alison says:you are right.
Bonny says:i can talk to him everywhere

Bonny says:in summer nights i talk something or think to him
Bonny says:when i lay outside in the gras and stare in heaven , watching the stars and maybe the moon
Bonny says:that`s just amazing

have we lost this wonder? are we so wrapped up in doing church…that we stop being it? how long has it been since you have laid in the cool grass, and stared into the heavens and marveled at the creation of your father? please please please…be the church. there are people like Bonny all over the world who are perishing because their ears have shut out the lies that the ‘church’ is spewing out and we are sitting here holding onto the words of life like they were meant for us to keep…how foolish are we while we sit sipping our tea and reading this weeks self help book. do you not realize that people really do go to hell. many of which could have and would have been saved had we done something. and yet…we do nothing…


for the sake of my friend, please…i beg you, dont just do church,…be it.

When I cannot feel, when my wounds don’t heal
Lord, I humbly kneel, hidden in you.
Lord, you are my life, so I don’t mind to die
just as long as I am hidden in you.

If I could just sit with you a while
If you could just hold me,
nothing can touch me
though I’m wounded though I die

If I could just sit with you a while
I need you to hold me
moment by moment ‘til forever passes by

have you ever questioned something that up until this day you were so sure that it was true…?

the more things change, the more they stay the same. i’m not sure who the first person was who said that. probably shakespeare. or maybe sting. but at the moment, it’s the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change. i don’t think i am alone in this. the more i get to know other people, the more i realize it’s kind of everyone’s flaw. staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still…it feels safer somehow. and if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected…who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. chances are it could be even worse.

so you maintain the status quo. choose the road already traveled and it doesn’t seem that bad. not as far as flaws go. you’re not a drug addict. you’re not killing anyone…except maybe yourself a little.

when we finally do change, i don’t think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we’re like this different person. i think it’s smaller than that. the kind of thing most people wouldn’t even notice unless they looked at us really close. which, thank God, they never do.

but you notice it. inside you that change feels like a world of difference. and you hope this is it. this is the person you get to be forever…that you’ll never have to change again.

this weekend i went to see janie…and now i am here. and here, i dont have to be ok.

and that scares me.