sleeping with the light on.

Some nights you sleep with the light on. 

Some days are followed by nights that demand more than a metaphorical light piercing the darkness. So you leave the light on. A tangible weapon to defend yourself from the darkness that threatens to overtake you. 

Tonight I sleep with the light on. 

Bombs dropping. Children murdered. Cities in uproar. Lives being taken by hands of others and lives being taken by our own hands. 

Oh God, it’s dark. 

And as much as I would like to stand up against it all as a beacon of hope…tonight, I cannot. 

Headlines are one thing. Reminding you over and over how everything seems to have gone to hell. It’s a whole other thing to see the demons staring back at you in the mirror. Depression stole another {prominent} life this week. And you heard about it. Chances are your phone buzzed multiple times letting you know that a life was no more. And we wept. And rightly so. It is a tragedy. 

But. What doesn’t make the front page of your newspaper are the not so prominent ones who choose to take their lives each day. Your phone doesn’t buzz. Video montages are not readily available. No one dedicates a twitter feed. And you don’t see a slew of Facebook/twitter/tumblr/Instagram posts proclaiming that the world “lost one of its most beloved artists and beautiful human beings.”

I sat in my car tonight, alone, and I thought about my story. My name would never make CNN or Foxnews or your Facebook timeline. But my story isn’t that much different. Depression is a relentless bastard. Caring not of tax brackets or job title. He doesn’t give a flip about how many movies you have made or how well you manage your home. He lies and cheats and steals. He steals your hope. Your joy. Your sense of direction. He leaves you feeling trapped and suffocated and alone. And after he has whispered those lies for a good long while, he whispers that there is a way out and all too often we choose to believe him. Because, honestly, we just want the shit in our heads to stop. 

So. Tonight I leave the light on. 

It’s the only thing I have right now to combat the darkness.

It’s the only thing I have to tell the whispers – the lies – to stop. 

I leave the light on because the headlines are too much and the despair is so heavy. 

I leave the light on because, while I cannot be a beacon of hope, I believe one still exists. And this lamp is just a reminder. 

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24 thoughts on “sleeping with the light on.

  1. Sad that the Perfect Love that God has for each one of us,, has not preached in its purity. It has not been the foundation for lives. Therefore darkness has overtaken thousands. But I will tell you in the midst of your darkness that there is a brighter light than the lamp. His Precious Name is JESUS! His Love for you and all others is unmatchable. His Love for you causes all darkness to dissipate. This darkness is a internal darkness of the soul. Natural lights may put your physical at ease for a flashing moment, but all to soon it reappears all so quickly. Left are the battles against this darkness all again. The only light that can put this darkness completely out is His Perfect Love towards you. This darkness is fear magnified to its fullest extent. Not until one experiences and understands, how wide, how deep, how long, is the Love that God has for us. Will they allow this Love to penetrate this debilitating darkness. But yes there is a way out, there is an everlasting Glory to be received and not because we deserve it, but because this Father in Heaven is perfect in his Love towards us all! I pray you and all others will experience this Perfect Love that only Christ himself can give. He is always so willing and ready to take on every battle that is aimed at us. JESUS LOVES YOU! No this is not a religion.. This is a real person who adores and Loves you! Amen

  2. My precious friend, I love your vulnerability, your willingness to share from the hardest of places. I love that you risk ridicule and judgment in telling others your story – and yet, you speak. I’m thankful for you, because you are a reminder that we can believe in God, adore Jesus, and still do battle with the vile darkness that whispers its threats daily. You have taught me time and time again that redemption is so much more than a 2-dimensional platitude or “I once was lost but not I’m found…” verse.

    We are here. Together. Walking. I’ll meet you in the morning. And in all the mornings to come.

    • ronne rock. i love learning with you that this isn’t a battle i fight alone. thank you for fighting with me and for me and beside me. i am stronger because of you. here’s to redemption. here’s to light. and here’s to the morning’s that bring them both.

  3. Beautifully written, powerful truth! You have a gift for communicating deep thought and I thank you for sharing it. Praying that THE beacon of hope fills you today with light and peace. Your life matters!

  4. Much wisdom and perspective in these words. If only leaving the light was all it took, yet it is a start. Thank you for your post.

  5. Thank you. Yes, the media is full of terror. I crave the woods, the simple sounds of the wind and leaves…rocks, a red squirrel scolding my presence. And sometimes, too, a light in my room at night to hold back the shadows.

    • sometimes courage is just what happens when there aren’t any other options. and its easier to stand when you know others are standing with you. thank you for standing with me.

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