i. am. exhausted.
and even that feels like an understatement. between moving and my CRAZY work schedule this week my life has been non-stop running since before i can remember. i have officially moved everything of mine out of the apartment. except my bed. my dad is coming up on tuesday to get it and take it to my grandpas to store for awhile.
i have a hard time with rest. i have an easy time with earning things and doing. i always want a list of things i can do for everything. what do i need to do to move. what do i need to do to get my car fixed. what do i need to do in order to please my boss. what do i need to do to fight fear. what do i need to do to somehow “get my shit together”. and because of wanting a list, and there never being one, i find myself running and running to somehow achieve all the bullet points on a list that doesn’t even exist in the first place. its like making the list while you are at the grocery store and you are simultaneously writing things down just to scratch them off. then you get home and realize that you got everything you needed…except for 10 things. fail.
so here i am wanting the list. writing things down to just check them off. and that, my friends, is exhausting. cause you never really get anywhere. hamster on a wheel. running on a treadmill. you get worn out pretty quickly and you never go anywhere.
i realize this post is random. i am ok with that. it is almost 1am, anyway.
another thing on my mind is fear. yesterday, meeting with my therapist was rough. there is a good sort of rough, where you feel like you accomplished something. and there is a sort of rough that is well, just rough. the kind of rough that keeps your mind going and makes you want to just sit down, talk it out, and figure out what to do next. (see, there i go, with the DOING again)
she said something about fear. or maybe i said it. i can’t really remember. but i have been plagued my this anxiety of epic proportions. paralyzing anxiety. tight chest. rapid heart beat. feeling like i could vomit at any moment. i brought it up. and then i kept rambling about how it has been around since i was such a little person. there isn’t a time that i remember where it wasn’t there. paralyzed by fear. crying all night just so my parents would pick me up from the poor friend i was supposed to be staying the night with. hiding in closets. not because anyone was looking for me. it was just safer in there. 3 walls around me. closed door. and topped off with more clothes than anyone should have. it was safe there. so thats where i hid when i was afraid. and i was always afraid.
i find that my reactions have changed a bit. but my fearful heart hasn’t. i still cry all night on occasion. i still hide. i still feel like i could vomit. but we, as a culture, have prettied up “being scared” into “anxiety”. or, in the church world “not trusting the Lord.” not that those aren’t true. but maybe we’re just scared of being scared. i don’t know, i’m rambling again.
so thats where i am tonight. that’s where you can find me and my fearful heart. wanting a list of “do’s and don’t’s” in order to not be scared anymore. i don’t think the list exists. i wish it did. so i keep doing things. writing them down. and then marking them off. and that is exhausting.
why can’t i just rest…