expect what?

I came home last night to an apartment littered with boxes. Boxes everywhere. Living room. Hallway to the kitchen. Bedroom. Closets. Its almost ridiculous how much stuff I have seemed to accumulate. I jokingly told my roommate that I should join an “I’ve got too much shit club.” She says they are normally called hoarders. I’m pretty sure I agree.

I feel like the Lord asked me if I value Him over all else. My answer was delayed. Not necessarily because I don’t…I just took way too much time assessing everything else I valued. So now He is asking me to let it all go. And in the letting go, He is showing me that He is already all I need.

Doesn’t make it easy, though. You know, realizing that He is enough. In fact, I’m pretty sure it makes it a little terrifying. All of a sudden I realize just how small and insignificant I am. How, apart from Him, how “enough” I am not. I need Him. I mean, absolutely, desperately need Him.

With each item I throw or give away I can almost hear Jesus whisper…”more than this?” – “do you treasure me above this really awesome thing?” – “am I more to you than all these beautiful memories?” – “that broken thing that this photo reminds you of, do you value me more than that? do you trust me to heal what is broken?” – “if this relationship never heals, or these wounds never go away, am I still enough for you?” – “will you count all of this as loss…so that you can KNOW me?”

So here I am. Sitting in my living room floor. Surrounded by memories. Surrounded by excess. Surrounded by hopes, dreams, and expectations of the Lord redeeming broken things and healing deep wounds that I have carried far too long. I am giving it all away for one reason.

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith.

So my expectation this week? That I will find Him. “Those who seek find”. He said that. Not me. Its His promise. In the middle of giving it all away, in the process of laying all my past hopes and desires at His feet in the form of photographs and birthday cards, I will find that He is enough. I will find Him – and I will be satisfied.

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