one word. 365.

so, here’s the thing about expectations. 97% of the time they are not met. you are let down. things didn’t play out the way you had hoped. that person didn’t say the very one thing that you were waiting to hear. the job you have been working so hard for goes to the guy in the next cubicle. the movie was good, but just not as good as you were expecting it to be. you have made all these great plans. laid them perfectly out before you. only to have the wind pick up and all you can do is stand aside and watch all your expectations flutter in the wind.

you see, i have come to expect very little. from anyone. ever. and when i do expect things, i usually expect the worst. easier to deal with when the worst actually happens. aim low and you are less disappointed when low is all you get. aim high and then get low? you’ll have to pull my crumpled heap of disappointments from the ground. so i just don’t expect. i don’t expect anyone to bring me lunch at work. i don’t expect anyone to pump the gas into my car when its cold. i don’t expect anyone to help me move. and its not because i think all the people in my life suck and wouldn’t do those things…i just don’t expect them to. i don’t wait around for someone to run to my rescue. i, in a sense, have become my own rescue.

over the past few weeks life has kind of flipped upside down. i didn’t know where i was going to live, my best friend and roommate of 5 years left the country, christmas, blah blah blah, and on and on the list could go. i have been silently wondering, “i know he is a good father, but why does it seem that i am never getting good gifts? it barely even seems like he is withholding the bad ones”

my view of God has become so tainted. hearing lies for 15+ years has numbed my heart and mind into believing he was loving me out of obligation. he was begrudgingly making me more like Jesus. “welp, i saved her. now she’s got to look like him. eh, its ok. we can make this work.” i don’t expect him to give good gifts. i don’t expect him to ride in on his white horse to rescue me. i don’t expect him to direct my steps to where i am going to live. i don’t expect him to even provide a place to live. it seems like i am functionally walking around expecting only one thing from him – disappointment.

in talking with a friend, she reminded me – “he is good father who longs to give you good gifts. even the hard things, even the hurt, even the uncertainty, even the finding a place to live – those are good gifts to you. maybe they are to make you trust him more. maybe they are to show your need for him. or maybe they are just to bring you joy. pure joy.”

so this year i am going to expect. i am going to expect him to move in my life. i am going to expect him to make me look more like Jesus. i am going to expect him to be a good father who loves his children extravagantly. i am not going to put a list of expectations on him that he should fill in order to prove himself. no. he has already proven himself over and over. this year, i am just going to expect him to be who he says he is. and if i find myself disappointed, i will look into my own heart for the fault. because i know it can’t be with him.

so here is to expectations.
may i expect great things from the one who always keeps his word.

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2 thoughts on “one word. 365.

  1. Hmmmm…..you said it all perfectly. I feel the same way. Think I will adopt your thinking on this one and try the same. I have felt over the last two years that I have been abandoned….yeah, the words sounded pretty, and the prayers foup and out…but, the heart is missing something. There has to be more. He promised me more, and maybe it’s not Him who isn’t holding up His end of the bargain…So maybe I need to try a little harder, reach up a little further….so here goes…thanks for a good read, Luna!

  2. I read your post with tears in my eyes. The last few years have been rough and I can relate to many of the things you wrote about. Your words have both encouraged and challenged me. Thank you!

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