it is well past midnight. and part of me is starting to understand that most of these thoughts and words are spoken long after the sun has surrendered to the horizon. i don’t feel that i have much to say. but i figure i could say something. anything.
kept. i am kept. i don’t know why or how or what for, but i do know that i am kept. in the uncertainty of my mind, he sustains. in the whispers in the dark, he speaks. in the haunting silence of the night, he is true. and he is good. and he is for my good. he loves me. really loves me.
i don’t understand it. not one bit. knowing the ugliness that is my heart and mind, for him to choose me before the foundation of the world is an unreal and sobering thought. i don’t want to focus on my sin, my shortcomings, or my brokenness. i want to see him first. i want to look at the cross and look at his teachings and look even in the old testament and see traces of his goodness and his glory. i want to look back over my past and see where his grace has led and upheld me. i want to trust him to be faithful just like he has been countless times before.
but here in the night and in the darkness it is hard.
so tonight i will just rest in the fact that i am held.
that i am kept. by him.
and he promises that he will never let go.