“LIVE!!”

i’ll just stick to one particular theme that keeps sweeping through my mind. whats next? like, with my life. right now, i am being completely blessed with a very godly, wise, patient woman to walk with me through some things in my life and in meeting with her this past week she posed a question that i honestly had no answer to. and that scared me. “do you have a vision for your life?” and with that, i felt like someone drove a semi onto my chest and parked it there.

my birthday is in less than a month. and the birthdays just keep coming. every birthday my step-dad always says something along the lines of “i never thought you’d make it this far.” and usually, i just write him off. you know, just one the stupid things he says to give me a hard time. but for some reason i am thinking about it. and its not even my birthday, and he hasn’t said it yet. i wonder why…

in all honesty, for the first time ever, i think i have figured out why i am having such a hard time with a vision, a goal. its because i never thought i’d make it this far. after years of being so foolish, so stupid, i never thought 23 would get here and i for sure never operated under the idea of actually having a future and a hope or desire for a vision. and yet, here i am. just a couple weeks away from a birthday thats coming whether i thought it would or not.

the story in ezekiel 16 keeps coming to my mind. and so here you go, i will give you a quick recap of the chapter. the entire chapter of ezekiel 16 is an analogy of israel-the Lords faithless bride. the author compares the nation to a baby, us, who was left out in a field to die. the baby is left, in its own blood and not one person stops to help, no one pities the baby, no one cares, or even notices. and then the Lord passes by and saw the baby, saw us, in our blood a He said “LIVE!” and then after He commands us to live, He clothes us and feeds us and made a covenant with us. He made us beautiful and the world knew our beauty because of Him who bestowed it on us.

so here i am. at this point after He speaks into my dead heart and commands me to “live!” and now what? i feel as though i have been dead so long that the thought of life is overwhelming to me. i’ve heard the stories of prisoners who have been released from prison and they just can’t live life outside of prison. they freak out, commit crimes in order to go back. life on the outside is simply overwhelming to them. i can relate. i don’t know what it means to live. what do i do? sometimes its so overwhelming that i find myself acting out in ways that i used to operate in vain attempts to get back to what i know, what is familiar…no matter how much it stinks of death. there is most definitely  a war raging in me between the Spirit of God and the flesh. i never thought i would make it this far, so i have never thought about what i would do. i never imagined life. and here i am, praise Christ, pleading with Him to show me, guide me, help me. but here i am. almost at another birthday. and He has called me from death to life. its a fact.

i am praying for a vision for my life. thats step one. i dont have to have it all figured out tonight. or tomorrow even. but i am begging Him for just the first step. pray with me?  He called me from death to life. and i am asking Him for courage to live

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