10 years later.

10 years ago i was a kid.

it was only my 2nd month of high school and i had no idea that my fear of the next 4 years would exponentially increase over the next several hours. i was in english. freshman year. our class had taken a trip to the library for a school tour. i was standing with a group from my class and i noticed that the television in the librarians office was turned on. bored as i was, i was watching. all of a sudden i saw it. that image that is seared into everyones mind. a plane. out of nowhere. flew straight into a building that i now know as the world trade center. i couldnt believe my 14 year old eyes. “an accident” i thought. a horrible horrible accident. it had to be, right? my world had never known war so closely before. if war at all. we stood there. eyes glued to the television. then again. out of the left side of the screen another plane came screaming into the side of the second tower. this was no accident. it couldnt be. that sort of thing doesnt happen once, much less happen twice…the world had just changed.

abide with me

1. Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
   The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide;
   When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
   Help of the helpless, oh, abide with me.
2. Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
   Earth’s joys grow dim, its glories pass away;
   Change and decay in all around I see—
   O Thou who changest not, abide with me.
3. I need Thy presence every passing hour;
   What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s pow’r?
   Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
   Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.
4. I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
   Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness;
   Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
   I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.
5. Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
   Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies;
   Heav’n’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
   In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

kept.

it is well past midnight. and part of me is starting to understand that most of these thoughts and words are spoken long after the sun has surrendered to the horizon. i don’t feel that i have much to say. but i figure i could say something. anything.

kept. i am kept. i don’t know why or how or what for, but i do know that i am kept. in the uncertainty of my mind, he sustains. in the whispers in the dark, he speaks. in the haunting silence of the night, he is true. and he is good. and he is for my good. he loves me. really loves me.

i don’t understand it. not one bit. knowing the ugliness that is my heart and mind, for him to choose me before the foundation of the world is an unreal and sobering thought. i don’t want to focus on my sin, my shortcomings, or my brokenness. i want to see him first. i want to look at the cross and look at his teachings and look even in the old testament and see traces of his goodness and his glory. i want to look back over my past and see where his grace has led and upheld me. i want to trust him to be faithful just like he has been countless times before.

but here in the night and in the darkness it is hard.
so tonight i will just rest in the fact that i am held.
that i am kept. by him.

and he promises that he will never let go.

who knew…?

who knew that in a single moment everything could change?

who knew that one phone call can blow your world apart?

who knew 6 months ago that this is where i would be sitting?

who knew that everything, everything, could change…?

my great champion.

i am confident of few things.
i don’t walk confidently.
i don’t walk with assurance.
i don’t walk with courage and hope and security and faith like i should.

and that’s ok.

not ok because it’s is ok to walk without those things, but ok because it’s not up to me to muster them. i would be a damned fool to walk in the arrogance and confidence of myself. i would be the most of all people to be pitied if i walked in the pride of what i can or cannot do instead of the confidence and security that rests in Christ. i would be a fool. and i think that the bible would even call me “stupid.”

this week has been a rough one. ok, lets just be honest, the past couple weeks have been rough. something to the likes of a perfect storm. and, just like a fool, i have let the wind howl, the waves crash, and cursed the ship as it sank. all the while, watching and letting it sink. there is war in my heart and in my head but far too often i don’t let that war rage on the outside until it completely consumes and attempts to destroy me. i curse the war. i curse the storm. i curse the wind and the waves and yet i don’t move. i don’t pick up the sword or harness the sails. i sit. and i watch. and i am left here in this place again.

the ship has been dashed on the rocks. the war rages on. and i have a choice.

curse the wind. curse the waves. curse the battle. sit down and wallow in my lack.
-or-
i could trust my sails to the one who controls the seas. i can stand confidently next to the one who fights for me. fights with me. i can trust that He is the great warrior. He is my great champion.

so i am asking for His help. i can’t make myself trust Him. i can’t walk confidently in Him. i can’t assure myself. i can’t make myself rest in Him and what He has done. He has to do that. and He does. He desires to. and i would be a fool to not take Him up on it. and i would be even more of a fool to walk in confidence of myself.

the cross is sufficient. He is sufficient. i cannot do anything to earn or lose His love and affection.
help me, Jesus, be confident of these things.

the cross is my defense.

When my heart condemns me
tells me I am guilty
Your greater
Your greater

Jesus you have searched me,
and even in your finding
You have loved
and You love me

This is who I am
I’ve been born again
the Cross is my defense, my hope secured
now my life is in Your Hand
on Your every word I stand
Lord I’m finding who I am in all you are

For He mad Him who knew no sin
to be sin
on our behalf was crucified
oh that we could be the righteousness
of our creator

car. crash.

“I wanna feel a car crash
I wanna feel a capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
‘Til I’m satisfied
I wanna feel a car crash
‘Cause I’m dyin’ on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I’ll be alright, alright”

a few more.

this seems to be turning into a photo blog.
i will write again soon. promise.

new photos.

social awkwardness.

i find compassion in my heart.

there is a woman sitting approximately 8 feet away from me right now. it is painfully obvious that she is homeless and most likely suffering from some sort of mental illness. she is talking to herself. not about anything in particular and probably nothing too terribly important. she asked another woman for a ride to a church. she asked still another for the time.

she has yet to ask me anything.

part of me is thankful for that. and part of me wishes she would. not that i would know what to do in that moment. i usually stumble over all my words anyway. but maybe, just maybe, if she would have asked me the time i could have loved her. even for that one moment. maybe i could have listened to one of the thousands of stories she probably has to tell. maybe i could have given her a ride if she had asked. in fact, i probably would have. is that even safe? or wise? i dont know. my dad would say most definitely not. “not everyone is your friend!” he would say. and i agree. they arent. but does this woman have any friends? does she have a family? she has to have a mom and dad. or she did at one point.

i find my heart breaking for her. and i also find that most of society would label her as an outsider. as unclean. as “the least of these”. and the more i think about it, i am not that different than her. i once was homeless. i once was fatherless. i was desperately sick and need of healing. in fact, outside the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ, i AM her. and just like me, she is loved by the creator of the universe. she is deeply loved by the God who created the mind that is betraying her. she is cherished by the King. so my prayer is that she would see it. that He would open her eyes to the greatness that He is. who knows…i may meet her again and rejoice alongside her and praise our great God. and it wont be awkward.

so here’s to awkwardness. may it push us to the feet of the King. may it cause us to live boldly and unashamedly. may it show us that we arent that different from each other after all.